Monday, December 13, 2010

New Tools to Make Me a Crusher

Christmas came early this year and I've managed to get my hands on two pretty sweet little gizmos that are going to help turn me into a true European hard man. First up is the newest supercomputer to hit the roads from GPS manufacturer Garmin: the Edge 800. Yup, this is the same Garmin that sponsors that one team with all those quick guys, including the fastest firecrotch in cycling, and one of the sprinters I admire most, Mr. Tyler Farrar. I don't know if those dudes helped Garmin design the 800, but it's pretty much the most powerful tool you could have on your handlebars, and it's smaller and lighter than older models, but with a bigger screen. Did I mention it's a touch-screen? Take that, iphone! I didn't want you anyway! Seriously though, this rig can tell me everything I ever wanted to know about my ride and then some, not to mention it has the power to keep even me from getting lost. There are only two drawbacks. First, Garmin has some pretty glaring errors in the manual that border on criminal false advertising. Hey, nobody's perfect, and I'm in contact with them to resolve the issue. The second drawback is that the 800 is clearly smarter than I am, and I feel slightly threatened by it. Sometimes I feel compelled to shout out trivia to show it I'm not just a big pile of meat. If you want to read in painful detail about all the features, some tri dork did a write-up that borders on obsessive. Don't say I didn't warn you.

(The next little doodad is really freakin' cool! To set the mood get this very fitting, classic track from Peter Gabriel bumping in the background. Note: MARC PRO not for use on monkeys.)

I also managed to get my hands on a new MARC PRO unit. Right about now you might be asking yourself, "what the hell is a Marc Pro?" Well, this is a MARC PRO: The sleek piece of technology you see pictured is an amazing device intended to speed recovery of muscles after strenuous workouts. The MARC PRO has been developed by the same people who designed and perfected the H-Wave medical device over the last 3 decades. You can cruise on over to H-Wave.com to get all the juicy, technical details behind the science of this product, as well as links to dozens of studies showing its benefits. Be sure to take a look at the list of over 40 professional sports teams that have used the MARC PRO, like the Lakers, 49ers and US Postal. The MARC PRO uses H-Wave technology, but is designed to be powerful and portable for elite athletes. MARC stands for muscle actuated recovery cascade, and PRO is short for professional, because nothing is more professional than having a tricked out, futuristic machine zap your legs fresh while you watch Kenny F*&$in' Powers scream around on his leopard-print jetski. Hell yeah.

How does it work? Well, the MARC PRO uses ultra low frequency stimulation to create comfortable yet strong muscle contractions that increase circulation and enhance fluid movement which aids in healing. The increased circulation and fluid movement are benefits that one would experience during exercise, but because the stimulation is passive there is no resultant muscle tear or degradation. SWEET! I just got this puppy the other day, so after I electrocute myself for a few days I'll be sure to let you know how it's going. There are only two rules: don't place the electrodes on the front and back of your chest, and don't pass current through your brain. So super intelligence is out, but I bet I develop legs like Steve Austin. Check out the MARC PRO in action and be sure to head over to the MARC PRO website when it gets up and running.

Awesome! ProTour here I come!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Portland, Fare Thee Well

Whew! Portland is rad. The city is vibrant, the surroundings are beautiful, and the racing is fierce. I could totally live there. Well... I could live there except for the soul-crushing rain and gloom that seem to hang eternally over the city. Talk about a wet blanket. But not for me, no sir! The weather, although painfully cold (see Phil in Everest expedition wear), was mostly dry and we even saw the sun for a few minutes. That bit of sunshine really sealed the deal for me and I'm happy to pronounce Portland one of my new favorite cities.
Now, I don't know why, but every trip I take, be it for business, pleasure or some mixture of the two, ends up being a culinary tour. Portland was no different. That first Friday we headed into Chinatown and went hog wild at a dim sum restaurant. Keith overcame a very rational fear of Asian cuisine after a rough run in with some undercooked lamb during a business trip to Taiwan. Well, it could have also have been the lobster blood soup, but that's beside the point. We got the authentic dim sum experience in a little corner of Portland with steaming carts of unidentifiable dishes being swooshed our way. The waitstaff would ply us with all manner of dishes, but were unable to communicate in English exactly what was in them. Like I said, Keith was brave and we got our fill of strange and sometimes wonderful Chinese food.Dinner that night was slightly less exciting. We went to the HUB, a cycling themed brewery and grill, for number pickup (which wasn't there in the end) and I fought off the urge to temp fate with the "DNF Calzone" and instead went for an equally gut busting salad.

A true cyclocross race has a magical carnival atmosphere, and what carnival would be complete without food vendors? The heartland of CX is Belgium, and thus the quintessential 'cross treat is Belgian frites, aka freedom fries. I had mine with spicy fry sauce and garlic mayo, which could have been part of the reason I didn't get better acquainted with the female population of Portland.

Other culinary highlights included an amazing meal of fidelio with scallops in squid ink and pig served three ways (bratwurst, sausage and pig belly) pictured below. You can tell it's a classy restaurant because it's so dim, errr, romantically lit. After stuffing ourselves with a most exquisite dinner we thought it best to get back to basics and headed to to find the world famous Voodoo Doughnuts. There was a half hour wait just to get in the door, but it was worth every second. I ended up opting for something called the "Old Dirty Bastard" and in keeping with the dim sum theme I could not identify exactly what was on it, but I can assure you it was delicious and fattening. Keith opted for the "Cock and Balls" and Mooney was the true winner with his "Bacon Maple Bar." That one is exactly what it sounds like. The rest of that Saturday night was pretty uneventful except for the part where Phil crashed a black tie wedding in a fancy hotel, but that's another story.

And wait, I swear there was more to this trip than eating! We were also up there to schralp the rad in some gnar gnar 'cross races. So how did it go? Before I give away the punchline let me remind you of two things. First: I suck at 'cross. Second: I was equipped with a super secret set of prototype carbon 'cross tubulars courtesy of Williams Cycling. There was some question as to how these wheels might affect my performance. I'm happy to report that far from DNFing as I had in all previous west coast races I managed to roll into a very respectable 5ht place. Considering I started at the ass end of 75 riders I can only assume that these wheels are worth ~70 spots in a race. Now I should state (and here I'm bracing myself for the digital boos) that I was racing in the B's race and not the UCI Elite category, and I don't know what the conversion is between Bs and Elite. Those same wheels could only be worth 10 spots in an Elite race. Before you rain down your ridicule understand that they don't let you register day of for Elite races, so my choice was between racing B's or having driven 10hrs through a snow storm to eat frites and shiver. I chose to race. It was a total blast, I only crashed once and I got really muddy. Also, those wheels are insane. Not only are they light, strong and stylish (hello, horsehair weave!) they are one of the few cross wheels in the world set up for disc brakes. I'm already scouting out a frame that's disc brake compatible so I can take full advantage of those babies! Some of you might be wondering what a guy does to salvage a bike that filthy. If you're rich you pay these guys $3 to power wash it for you. If you're me, you take it back to the hotel and spend 20 minutes with a hose better suited for watering pansies, racing the clock to see if you can clean your bike before your hands go completely numb.

This was truly an epic trip, and although the drive back was one of the gnarliest of my life (4 hours of pounding rain through foggy mountains with standing water on the freeway until 3am) I'm going to fondly remember this little jaunt to Portland for the rest of my life. I think the best part of the whole shebang was getting to spend some real time with Keith Williams. Keith has got to be one of the kindest, most honest and good-natured people on the planet. He's been something of a cycling godfather to me since I began racing seriously, and it was a gift to be able to spend some solid time with him and get to know him on a deeper level. The man is pure gold. I count myself lucky to have him as a friend.

Lest I get too sappy, in the spirit of friendship I present to you a video of me heckling the hell out of Keith during the muddy motocross portion of Saturday's race:

Friday, December 3, 2010

The 'Cross Diaries: Portland, baby!

I'm a road racer. If I'm riding in mud it usually means I've blown off the course and I'm about to crash. That's why it's still incredibly strange to me that people choose to take almost perfectly good road bikes and thrash themselves around on muddy singletrack for an hour. But that's what cyclocross is.

For those of you out there who haven't heard of this crazy cyclocross thing I'll try to quickly break it down for you. The event its raced on slightly modified road bikes. Almost everything is the same, except the bike has cantilever brakes to allow for slightly wider, knobier tires. A typical race is multiple laps on a 1-4 mile course and lasts 1 hour. Unlike a sane person's road course, a CX (short for cyclocross) course is a wacky mix of paved road, dirt road, singletrack, mud pits, sand pits, grass tracks, and small ponds. Then you toss in a few barriers that must be jumped over on foot or pitches too steep to ride. It's absolute lunacy. The best part is that you start with up to 150 guys at the same time on a course that quickly narrows to the width of one rider. You start by sprinting out of the gate and then you go as hard as you can until you completely explode or crash out of the race. They say you can tell a CX racer because they'll have mud on the down tube and puke on the top tube. It could also be blood on the top tube.

So, why would anyone participate in a sport so dangerous and crazy? Because it's about the most fun you can have on two wheels. It's an excuse for grownups to go play in the mud, and hundreds of people come out to drink, spectate and heckle the riders. It creates a sort of raucous, beer-soaked tailgating atmosphere with cowbells ringing and colorful epithets flying through the air. Frankly, the 'cross scene makes a road race look like an accountant's convention in a Holiday Inn Express. Well, maybe that's a bit harsh, but you get the point.

I've decided to toss a little 'cross racing into my winter training this year to add some intensity to my schedule and to practice crashing gracefully. So far I've gotten more intensity than I bargained for, but my crashes have been anything but graceful. My finest moment thus far was when I failed to unclip from my pedal in time and ran full steam into a staircase. Awesome.

This weekend I've traveled up to sunny Portland, Oregon with P Money Mooney and Keith Williams to see if I can't outdo myself at the USGP of Cyclocross. So far it looks like the odds are in my favor, as the course presents seemingly endless opportunities for me to crash in the most spectacular fashion. There are the off camber downhill turns, puddles with steep banks and submerged rocks, slick-as-snot hidden tree roots and, best of all, the huge mud-covered whoop-de-doos. These whoop-de-doos are literally unrideable sections on a rain-soaked motorcross track that have degenerated into mud pits a foot deep. And this part of the course really is unrideable, unlike the muddy run-up earlier on the course. No sooner had I finished declaring that run-up certifiably unrideable than a female racer from the Luna team came riding past me looking as though she were on a Sunday spin. That, my friends, is humiliating. But I think that's part of why I find myself coming back to this ugly stepchild of a sport that has shown me little but scorn. After all the countless hours I've spent training to be a cyclist it's fun to get back on a bike and feel like a total beginner again. I get to flail and crash and generally suck, and it's liberating to be out there blasting around with no pressure, no expectations and no skill. For a roadie like me 'cross also serves up a healthy helping of humility, and it's important to get a little taste of that every now and then lest I forget my place in this big world.

Here are a few shots of the drive up (we hit a blizzard), lunch in Chinatown, and the carnage after our course preview.


Like I said, I'm up here rocking around with Keith, who has done the lion's share of driving so far in his tricked out Williamsmobile. He's also pimped my 'cross ride with some high tech prototype carbon 'cross tubies. Without those bad boys I'm pretty sure I'd be last, so after tomorrow we'll be able to count backwards and tell you just how many spots a pair of tricked out Williams wheels will net you in a race. Wish me luck! If I'm still alive tomorrow evening I'll hit you with some good pictures and better stories.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Off Season Roundup

I'll be back with the third installment of the ever thrilling T&T 2010 series soon, but before I do here's a little photo retrospective of my off season:

Denver. I got to kick it with my sis Devyn in the Mile High City for a bit before heading back to Idaho. We managed to pack a lot into a week including a trip to the Corn Maze/Pumpkin Patch/Trashy Fair complete with the Bird Lady (how did Atze get to Denver?) and miniature cheerleaders.



We headead up to the mountains for a couple of days where we stayed at a "condo" in Copper Mountain. Turns out said condo was perhaps the nicest residence I've ever been in and was outfitted with a $12,000 coffee maker and dueling pinball machines. That combination made leaving the condo seem like an utter waste, but the onset of carpal tunnel syndrome brought about by hours of hyper-caffeinated pinballing and the allure of some Rocky Mountain fishing finally got me outdoors.
I was lucky enough to be in town for my pseudo-sister Steph Noodle Kaboodle Doodle's birthday and we made a night of it. We rode bikes from their house downtown and I got to laugh my tucchus off watching three young ladies dressed to the nines rip around Denver on their bicis. People had absolutely no idea what to think, but hey, that's life in the mountains. The highlight of the night was watching the show Cavalia, which is a strange combination of Cirque du Soleil, Rodeo and Opera. Maybe this video will help clarify things. My two favorite parts of the show would be the acrobatic agility of the riders (read backflip on a galloping horse) and the fact that there is a mullet requirement for all male performers. Maybe that's some attempt at horse empathy? I've also never been in such a dense concentration of horse people before, and that was almost as startling as the show itself. The whole shebang was shocking and new and I had a blasty. We had a quick snack of leftover pizza in the Cavalia parking lot (keepin' it classy) and then it was off to the clubs for a dance marathon. I'd offer pictures, but my moves are too fast to catch on camera and too provocative for this blog.
Idahome. I grew up in a small mountain town in Idaho called Ketchum. My parents still live there and no matter how far I roam I'll always consider Ketchum my home. This trip back I was lucky enough to have some visitors from Holland join me and I got to show off some of Ketchum and Idaho's finer points. So after an 11hr drive from Denver with my sis it was straight into tour guide mode to try to show Tim and Laura the best side of Idaho. Tim was scouting my hometown as a possible location for one of his international mountain bike clinics so he got in a ton of good riding. I tried to go with him the first day, but since it was the off season it was more like hiking while pushing a bike. We manged to do a little pure hiking, see some wildlife (moose in my backyard and deer in the front) before heading down to Boise for a little American Living 101.

It was Laura's first time in the US so I figured she should probably experience a real football game; one where you can use your hands and the goal is to physically harm players of the opposing team. We don't have any professional sports teams in Idaho, so people pretty much worship the BSU college team. We figured we'd better jump on the bandwagon and luckily my Dutchies felt right at home donning some bright orange threads. We did a little pre-gaming in a spot so full of spirit that even the port-a-potty was in team colors. After surviving a blowout BSU victory in temperatures that would have shocked even Shackleton we headed over to lay hands on some quintessential American cuisine: fast food hamburgers.




Tim and Laura are absolute gold, funny and easy-going, the best kind of guests and I hope they come visit again. The rest of my all too short break I spent hanging out with my oldest friends, enjoying some QT with my folks and mixing in a little CX racing and my first night of bartending. Yup, I'm now an experienced, professional booze jockey.

I'm back in sunny California now, soaking up rays and getting some saddle time. Life is good, very good. But more on that later, and more wacky action T&T style...

Saturday, October 16, 2010

T&T 2010 II: Setting The Tone in Trinidad.

Faith, aunt Sue, thanks for being so patient. I hope it was worth the wait :)

It's a long way from Denver to Trinidad.
When you factor in the 5 hour layover in Miami, the hour we sat on the tarmac there, and the ridiculously slow speed of Trinidadian customs Phil and I were pretty much traveling all day. In fact, we didn't get to our hotel until 1:30am and then we had to go out and grab some doubles on the street so we didn't starve. But let me back up.

As soon as you step out of the airport there are two things that hit you. The first is the heat. Well, its really the heat combined with a crippling humidity. If you want to know what it feels like just find the nearest sauna and walk in with all your clothes on. You sweat immediately and continually. The second thing is the noise. Trinidad is LOUD. It seems like every car on the road, and every house or restaurant you pass is blaring island beats at full volume. Its kind of like the whole island has a soundtrack. If you want a tiny taste just open up this link in a new window and let it play at full volume while you read the rest of this post. It's not just the music, either. Drivers on the island speak a foreign language composed exclusively of horn honks. I couldn't perfectly translate it, but I'm pretty sure its acceptable to honk for any of the following reasons: being cut off, cutting someone off, offering greetings, yielding to another driver, alerting a pedestrian, alerting any living organism in the road, warning others while ripping through stop signs or around blind corners, having hands. Trinidadians drive like absolute lunatics at breakneck speeds, which is ironic because nothing ever happens on time.

Punctuality does not rank very high on the list of island concerns, and anyone overly concerned with it would quickly become pretty frustrated. In fact, the whole trip, from start to finish, was pretty much a big junk show. If you don't now how to go with the flow, you have no business in Trinidad. Luckily, my teammates and I are pretty easygoing fellows and so we were able to deal with small annoyances like, say, never having any clue as to whats going on. But, like I said, we rolled with it, and after a while you just learn to expect it.
But we were still a little green that first day when we were rounded up sans breakfast to go do a media appearance. I say rounded up because while the riders stayed downtown in one hotel everyone who might have had some idea of what was happening was at a different hotel. We didn't know which one, we didn't know their phone number, and we didn't really know where we were supposed to go, or when. No matter, we made it and gave some interviews for tv and the newspapers at Mikes Bikes, the local bike shop and big sponsor of the Newsday Cycling Classic. Mike is the proud owner of that shop and a big supporter of cycling on the island. It was fun to play celebrity for a bit and chat it up with the guys at the shop. We got a crash course in understanding Trini women, complete with illustrations courtesy of a shady publication that was something in between a travel guide and a Playboy. "Look 'ere! Dis gurl like a lobsta! All de meat is in de tail!" Good times, indeed. And we even got an appearance fee.
We spent the rest of the day eating roti, getting a tour of Port of Spain and hanging out. Here's what Port of Spain looks like from Fort George: Trinidad is very diverse racially. People have ancestors from Africa, India and East Asia and there is oodles of intermarriage. Perhaps because of this diversity there is a really inspiring racial harmony. In my experience, people in Trinidad just don't seem to care what color your skin is or what you look like, and its really refreshing. It also means the cuisine is incredibly varied and very delicious, but I've talked about that already.

The next day was raceday. We got all packed up and headed to the staff hotel in the hills to hang out and eat before the late afternoon crit. We ate a big breakfast and then did what cyclists do in their free time: lounge around and play on computers. We were just kicking it, minding our own business, when all of a sudden the skies just opened up. We had previewed the course and although there were two sketchy corners on it we figured everything would be alright as long as the course was dry. So much for that.

The race for the day was the Newsday Republic Day Cycling Classic. Republic Day = Independence Day. The course was a short little crit around King George V Park with two tight turns over rough pavement and one long sweeper into the final straight. The pavement was better than TT standard, which translates to rideable, but full of wheel-eating potholes and nasty, exposed 10 inch deep gutters for runoff along 3/4 of the course. We managed to navigate our way from the hotel to the race with enough time to ride a few laps of the slick, sketchy course and get some feardrenlin pumping. We all got called up to the line for being international superstars and then, boom, we were off. Our goal was to make the race hard and fast with an eye to snapping off a favorable break and we manage to do that. Before too long it was (S)Perv solo OTF laying it down maple leaf style. That gave the rest of us an easy ride with nothing to do but mark a few moves and try to stay safe through the corners. The other guys were awesome, but I went one and one. Some dipstick tried to attack through the tightest turn of the course which happened to also have bad pavement and be off camber. He clipped his pedal and I was going to fast to avoid him. I managed to scrub a lot of speed, so while I still hit the deck it was a relatively minor crash with a pop to the hip and a little scrape on the elbow my only injuries. Luckily the bike was fine and after a free lap I was back in it.Some guy warming up crash corner for me

As the laps started to wind down Jamie began to feel the airplane legs (he had only gotten in the night before the race.) We did everything we could to slow the field, but it was looking grim for D. J Sparls. The group finally nailed him back with a lap and a half to go and it was PANDEMONIUM. A quick note about Caribbean cyclists: they are just as aggressive as other racers I know (maybe more so even), but their bike handling is a step or two down the ladder, and this makes for a very physical and unsettling race experience. With a lap to go it was no different. Short Man had done a massive pull to get me to the front and I was right up next to the Trek leadout, but stuck in the wind. Charging down the back straight I was overcome by that unique rush that comes in the last seconds of a race that quiets the mind's cries for self-preservation and sets the body on fire. I used my size to take the spot I wanted at the back of the Trek team and waited until they burned their final man before opening the floodgates and pouring out everything I had in a mad charge to the line.It turns out it was enough for the win, making it two in a row at Newsday. Doin' the double! Boom! The guys on the team were awesome, which is especially cool considering we were an ad hoc collection of riders who had mostly never raced together. We raced for each other and it got us the win. And that made for one happy group of guys. We all slogged back up the hill, haggard but happy, where we cleaned up, packed and prepared to head down to San Fernando for the second set of Trini races. In case you were thinking that everything started rolling smoothly after a leadoff win, think again. After breakfast we didn't have another bite of food until we finally got to San Fernando around 9pm. I think I was gnawing on my own arm during the drive down. Roti never tasted so good.

Monday, October 11, 2010

T&T 2010 I: Cast of Characters

After a few wonderful nights of 10+hrs of sleep I'm finally over my jet lag and ready to attempt to document the pure lunacy that was T&T 2010. There's just way too much to put down in one sitting, so I'll have to break this epic tale down into a few installments. Without further ado, I bring you Episode One.

Down in Trinidad and Tobago everybody gets a nickname. In fact, there are a lot of people whose real names I never learned. I mean, I'm fairly sure that one guy's mom didn't name him Pretty. We all got nicknames too; some of them flattering and some... eh, not so much.

Atze Dijkhuis aka The Bald Eagle
Atze is a Dutch wonder who has been racking bikes since before I was born. He could disassemble and reassemble his bike blindfolded with one hand tied behind his back in under 6 minutes. He can read a race like a Spot book and he is perhaps the funniest man I've ever met. Pure gold.

Tim Ottens aka Lurch

Tim is another prodigy from the Netherlands. An accomplished mountain biker, Tim is making the transition to road and cyclocross, apparently because he's bored with crushing souls on the dirt; he's represented his country twice at the World Championships. He's disturbingly good at imitating accents and climbs like he has wings. So, looking at that picture, how tall do you think Tim is? Here's a hint: Atze is over 6 feet. I'm told that back home they call him Otzi, which is the name of a neanderthal found frozen in ice.

Jamie Sparling aka (S)Perv aka The Champion aka That Canadian

This guy is something else. A true Canuck, he's always willing to remind us how stupid our all green money and private healthcare system are. The guy has an amazingly quick wit, so quick in fact that it seems to outpace his internal censor sometimes, leading to pretty much the funniest commentary I've ever heard and earning him his nickname. The only thing quicker than his wit is his cycling. Hilarious, easy-going, and strong as an ox. This is a man you want on your team.

Nathan Parks aka Nate the Great aka Late Nate aka High Natenance

Nate is a straight up scientist, a true brain, and mad climber. A native of Iowa, Nate added his sing song midwestern twang to the chorus of crazy accents that collided on the islands. Nate's analytical mind always liked to know the plan. Unfortunately for him, creating a plan that we'd stick to was about as likely as getting snowed on. Nate did bring enough tools to start his own bike shop down there, and that sure did come in handy!

Philp R. Mooney aka Shorty aka Short Stack aka Small Man

Poor Phil. He's not really all that short. I mean, he's 5 foot 6 if he's an inch, but when everyone else on the team is well over 6 feet then you're kinda stuck. I think Phil was hoping for something along the lines of "The Beast" or "Bulletproof Tiger" but it just wasn't meant to be. Phil never complained, he just rode like he was ten feet tall and let his legs do the talking for him.

Roger Farrell aka Frenchie aka D Bossman
Roger is the mastermind behind this whole crazy adventure. A native of Trinidad, Rog rode professionally in the US and Europe for a number of years. He occasionally gets back to the islands to further his horse training business and bring a few international riders to lay the down the law in the local races. Why Frenchie? Because he has green eyes, just like a Frenchman. Hey, I didn't make it up.

Peter Sue aka Bruce Lee aka Gunshow aka The Limbo King
In case you were wondering, Peter is the guy in the middle using his ninja skills to get some killer pictures of us at an awards ceremony. Pete is a true champ. Originally from Guyana, Pete is a bay area guy and I have him to thank for getting me hooked up with Rog initially. Peter is Roger's right hand man and a jack of all trades. I suppose if you used the term loosely you could call him the team Soigneur, but he also filled the position of photographer, cook, resident limbo expert and a dozen others. Rog and the other Trinbagonians call him Bruce Lee because he has Chinese ancestry.

Zap... or possibly Zep, I'm not really sure
Hands down the craziest, sketchiest man I've ever met. He was, in theory, our driver, and he also provided us with meals at his guest house. He once left me standing on the side of the road with a flat while he went to get cigarettes and a cd, and that was during a race. Its hard to convey just how nutty this guy is.

Me
Yup, that's me, your humble narrator. They call me Big Ben. I'm not English, I'm not known for my punctuality and I don't appear on the hundred dollar bill. I guess I got the name because I'm larger than any cyclist has a right to be. They should have called me Tanlines.

And now that you know who's who I can start weaving my tale...